My rebellious heart!

I don’t know. I’m really hurt right now. And I don’t know if I should be understanding, angry or sad.

Being caring, helpful and kind is deeply rooted in who I am as an Empath.

Losing my mother early in life made me realize that we don’t know when we’ll lose the ones we love. So, I’ve always tried to make that effort of showing the ones I love that they matter, without thinking too much.

But time and time again life is teaching me how cynical people are and it makes me so mad.

Now I am at the crossroad of whether to stay this way and keep getting hurt or shut myself up and build a wall to protect myself. Because I don’t know how to be selective about showing care. And I can’t hurt myself anymore. I simply can’t.

I don’t know! I am really hoping and praying for the universe to show me some miracle to regain some faith that the world is not as cynical. That there are people who are willing to think about others and show that they care.

For now, I have to live with the hurt.

What truly hurts?

Lately, on my path to healing, I’ve been pushing myself to see things differently. I consciously work on not falling into the trap of automatic responses. This has lead me to learn a lot about myself.

One such thing is my own involvement in my pain. I’ve come to the realization that there are certain situations or people for whom I’ve been carrying a lot of resentment. Though, those situations and people have no direct impact on my day to day life anymore.

After a lot of thinking, I’ve come to the understanding that, deep down, I feel like a victim of unfair treatment by those people and circumstances. This story I carry, is what I’ve been holding onto.

But lately I’ve realized that it’s only hurting me. If those circumstances or people are not a direct part of my life anymore then why am I still carrying the bitterness. It’s not doing anything to those situations or people. It’s just hurting me.

I am literally hurting myself by carrying all this pain that has nothing to do with my life anymore.

So, I’ve been making a conscious effort to clean up everything that hurt me but shouldn’t as it doesn’t impact my life anymore. There is still a long way to go but I truly feel lighter.

I truly believe now that I have a lot of power and control over my peace of mind and I shouldn’t, and will not, be giving this power away to others anymore by carrying resentment and bitterness.

Living for yourself!

Living for yourself does not mean that we should become self-centred, mean to others or selfish. It doesn’t mean that we become negative, judgemental, entitled or start thinking we are better than others. It definitely doesn’t mean we cut people off.

What it truly means is to respect ourselves and care for our well being while being caring and kind to others as well.

That’s true growth and maturity too.

I won’t fill the void

Lately, I’ve been missing and obsessively thinking about the two people I’ve loved the most in my life and lost them both. My mother and my best friend, who was like a mother to me.

But I’ve come to realize that it’s not simply that I miss them. I miss myself too. The way I felt around them is something I really miss. And the hurt and the feeling of emptiness that comes with it is not an easy emotion to deal with.

I am sure I am not the only one to feel that way. Anyone who has loved and lost someone feels that way.

My subconscious tries to protect me from the hurt. I used to desperately try to distract myself and not feel. But I’ve come to the realization that suppressing my love for them and the hurt for this situation is of no use. Rather it is actually damaging me.

So, instead of trying to fill the void, I now stay with it. The hurt and emptiness just shows that the feelings I have for them are actually genuine and true. Why would I want to suppress or forget genuine love? It’s not easy to do it but I’m trying to honour my love for them instead of running away from it. So, when I miss them, I accept it no matter how much it hurts.

To both of them, I’ll just say,

“I love you like crazy… I miss you like crazy… Always”

I lost my best friend

Right now, I’m feeling so many emotions at the same time because I miss my best friend. Being an introvert and an Empath, finding people to deeply connect with has been so hard for me. Losing my mother when I was 11 is something I have not been able to get over because I never really had anyone with whom I was comfortable enough to talk to.

After such a long time of trying and failing, I found a friend who was like a mother to me. I don’t want to go in any details but losing her has made me lose my faith in relationships. Losing her has made me build a wall so high that I don’t know if I can let anyone in anymore.

And the worst part is that I have to see her everyday as we work at the same place and I can’t change my job right now. Seeing her everyday feels like scratching and refreshing a wound. But it’s OK. At least I get to see her everyday and know that she is OK. We can’t be friends again but I will never stop loving her.

Conscious transformation

This is something I’m going through and I’m sure many people experience it with personal growth.

The inner questioning is coming with a ot of confusion as the parts I want to change were once a part of me so it’s not easy to let go. Those parts were there for a reason.

Some parts I’m very clear that I want to change but some I still question.

Another aspect to this is that the people around me expect me to behave as my old self as they don’t know about my inner transformation.

Sometimes I fall back into it just because it is comfortable. It’s easier to do what’s expected than getting into a discussion of my personal transformation with them. It’s not always easy to make even the closest of people understand what you are going through.

I’m still navigating through all of this and gradually I am figuring things out. But I am sure of one thing now. Personal transformation, growth and healing requires a lot of patience. It is not an easy thing to do and we have to give ourselves that space and kindness to change for the better and do it purely for ourselves.

Soft strength

“How can I be strong?”, the little girl asked.

Her mother replied,

“Don’t let the harsh realities of life take away what’s good in you. Keep your heart soft and you’ll be the strongest there is.”

Years later, her mother’s words echoed in her heart as she cried as a woman trying desperately to keep the good that was left in her.

It was then that she realized the true meanings of her mother’s words.